Many of us form very strong emotional bonds with animals in our care. There are number of factors that make our relationship with pets unique and deeply rewarding. Yet culturally there is a sense of shame around our love of pets, an unconscious response I believe to the shared understanding by many, that the bond is secondary, inferior to, and not as important as the connection we have with other human beings. What if we were to challenge that view by exploring the psychological significance of companion animals in the lives of their owners?

Attachment bonds

Some of us did not establish secure attachments with our parents or primary caregivers. Based on our early encounters in life we unconsciously project the same expectations onto other relationships in adulthood. If we had a critical mother, we expect other people to be critical towards us. If our father was anxious and preoccupied, we gather that the world is not such a safe place after all. If our family put a lot of pressure on achievement, we might assume that we are only worthy of love when we accomplish important things.

Relationships with pets do not render easily to such projections. Even if in our experience people are judgemental, we trust pets not to be; even if our loved ones always put heavy demands on us to achieve, we can rest in the presence of pets and just be. Even if we find human physical affection of no comfort to us, we can fully relax and unwind while stroking our pets. We gravitate towards animals especially when we find relationships with other people challenging. After all, pets offer us unconditional love. They do not judge, criticise, or evaluate our appearance or actions. They do not withhold their affection from us, they are always available and engaging. In the world that puts so much pressure on looks and performance, pets offer a non-demanding and comforting presence. We experience a unique freedom to show our imperfect selves in the company of our unconditionally accepting pets.

Emotional attunement

Our attachment to companion animals can be very strong for yet another reason. Pets, especially dogs, have an ability to recognise and respond to our emotional states, even though at times we try to hide our feelings from the world or even ourselves. When we are angry, they get out of our way; when we are excited, they are ready to join in playfully; when we are sad, they approach and try to make us feel better by simply being with us, offering us their comforting presence. This ability to tune into our emotional states enables pets to act as our emotional mirrors. Sometimes we do not know what we are feeling but one glance at our dog can reveal how stressed or at peace we actually are. Have you ever noticed that at the end of a leash held by an anxious owner is usually an equally anxious dog?

Non-verbal and tactile nature of the bond

Our human relationships are heavily based on verbal interactions and we constantly engage our conscious, rational minds in processing the language that we share. In contrast, communication with pets can be non-verbal if we choose; it can be solely conveyed through our bodies: gestures, facial expressions, emotional energy, and touch. Stroking warm, soft fur of our companion animals can bring us relaxation and rest by changing our physiological state: by reducing heart rate, lowering blood pressure, decreasing levels of stress hormone cortisol, and increasing levels of a feel-good hormone oxytocin. In this quiet space of sensory and emotional experiencing we can find respite from a busy and draining world around us.

Unconscious symbolic function of pets

On an explicit, conscious, and direct level described so far, pets function as companions in their own right. They are valued for their affection and availability; they don’t reject or hurt but accept us unconditionally. However, on a deeper, indirect, and unconscious level, pets can also function as objects of projection and identification. As our relationship with them is a bond between a dependent, vulnerable creature and its caretaker, the dynamic reminiscent of a child-parent relationship, companion animals may be unconsciously experienced as children. Additionally, deep pre-verbal emotional pain that is very hard to access even in therapy, may become apparent through its projection onto and identification with a suffering animal.

Informed therapist

For that reason, as a therapist I pay attention to my clients’ relationship with their companion animals. I explore the bond, its strength and significance in the lives of those who come to me for help. I never trivialise the relationship clients may have with their pets knowing how restorative and reparative it may be. In the absence of emotional holding, affection, and unconditional love, many of us instinctively turn to pets to fill the void left by the caregivers who could not give of themselves as their own hearts were empty and closed off.

So, I invite each of us to be more intentional in loving and appreciating our companion animals. They can bring so much joy and affection into our daily lives and help us open to the possibility of being accepted and loved for who we are by a selected few of our own species.